One Month Post Grad: oh shit
It has been about one month post grad and I have felt like I have so much to say but also nothing at all. I have been stuck in this spiral every single day wondering what my life is going to look like or if I even have something to say in this world. As someone who deals with anxiety on a pretty high scale this has not been easy by any means.
When we are in high school or in college, we have a set task. We are told we have to finish, and every day that is what we were working towards. Just to graduate. Well that’s awesome so what happens now? I have always felt like I have this ticking time bomb in my head that I am not getting any younger, so I am just wasting time. In this particular era the feeling of comparison is detrimental. I will see so many of my friends or girls I follow moving away to their dream cities and feeling this envy that I am just not quite there yet. I have so many questions. How did they get that job? How are they affording to live there? What connections do they have? Sometimes it will feel like no matter how hard I stalk people on Linkedin, nothing is happening.
So all of this, 4 (ish) years of busting my ass (excuse my French), mental breakdowns in my dorm room, losing friendships, breakups, questioning my self worth daily, all nighters just to pass an exam that will make or break my grade, and being hundreds of miles away from my family. What was it all for? I am still trying to figure it out.
I have never really been a “go with the flow” kind of girl. My mom used to tell me that when I was little if our plans as a family changed for the day rather than what I came up with in my head, I would cry, or throw a tantrum. At almost 23 years old, I wish I could say that has changed. I like to have a plan, or at least a goal that I can work towards. With the future so unknown, I physically cannot have a plan yet, therefore the cause of my deep spiral. So here is what I have been telling myself or what I have learned.
It is never going to be the way you planned. It would not be that much fun if it was. I would never have pictured my life the way it is now. Working on myself while also planning a life with the person I love, watching my younger brother graduate college, travel with my entire family to Italy this summer, have options for brand new cities, sign a new modeling contract and work more than I ever have, physically transform into the body I have dreamed of, help cure my physical disorders we have been working for years to correct, and more. When I step back and look at all of the good in my life at the moment, that is the only thing that keeps me grounded. Finding new passions or trying new places. Taking every experience even if I may not have the money for it. Money comes back, memories are once in a lifetime.
No ones timeline is linear and also you have no idea what they had to do to get there. Tomorrow is never guaranteed and I certainly do not have the power to guarantee it.
