TURNED 22: what now?
When I was 18 years old, something I struggled with pretty badly was the idea that I was running out of time. I had a great acting coach that could see the seeping anxiety run out of me as I was auditioning and fighting to gain success as my peers around me were also doing the same. I felt a ticking time bomb in my head and not knowing what to do with my life. Out of high school I had planned on moving to New York City which had been the city of my dreams since I was a kid. New York was a big part of my childhood as I traveled there frequently to compete and my dad himself is from Long Island. Anyone who knows me well enough knows that the New York Islanders runs my household. My high school grad party was New York themed and we had an apartment ready to go come August. Life happened and we all know now that that was not my path. I ended up transferring to UNCW in the spring of 2022 and that was where I was supposed to be at the time. That wonderful acting coach told me I needed to slow down and realize that I was right where I needed to be at the time. I mean I was only 18.
UNCW was everything I needed it to be at the time. I did everything I wanted to do. I partied as much as the cliche college student could, I studied film with some of the best filmmakers in the state, I joined a sorority, I surfed at sunrise, I made best friends for life, I stayed in student housing, rented my first house, somehow passed French, and of course studied abroad. My 19th birthday was exciting, I had just finished freshman year, and sophomore year was just as fun. Joining a sorority and being connected to a group of girls was a huge part of my college experience. Living in student apartments for the first time and getting my own room was a new experience in itself. And that year, I made memories I will cherish forever. When I was 19, though, I felt like I was running out of time. I knew that in a year I would be entering my 20s, and I still haven’t done everything I wanted, or what that even looked like.
Then I reached 20, surrounded by my friends and family. I was panicking because I knew that I had 10 years to reach where I wanted to go. I have done all of these amazing things so far, but it did not matter because I wasn’t “successful”. I still could not tell you what that looked like, but I knew there was an empty hole somewhere. 20 was a rough year. Filled with mental health issues, feeling like the world was crashing down on me, learning what it’s like to truly be alone and be okay with that. I turned 21 surrounded by the people I love and thought, Wow, now I really am running out of time. College is almost over, and I am about to spend my year running around Europe. That was probably the first time that I had truly slowed down and enjoyed the moment. I embraced every opportunity and cherished those memories.
I came home from Europe, blinked, and now I've turned 22. All of a sudden. But I was just 18? What do I do now? This is still a battle I am fighting with myself daily. The life I had planned out for myself is not nearly the same as it was even a year ago, let alone 4. I think about the Oscar speech Matthew McConaughey gave frequently. He states that when someone asked him who his hero was he said that it was himself in ten years. And then they came back to him and said “well are you your hero yet” and he was like “no of course not, not even close.”
We are always chasing the next step or where we want to go and especially for me, I am planning out my life ten months ahead of time. Except that can’t even happen anymore because I look at where I was ten months ago from now and I would have never predicted all of the memories that have come in between. So what do I do now?
I can’t wait to see.
